“You should read this book.”
I was in college at the time. One thing about being in college is that you’re really horny all the time. My horny friend gave me this book to read and my horny ass read the book.
This book was called The Game. A journalist named Neil Strauss went uncover to unearth the hidden secrets of the pick-up artists: men who practice techniques to get more women to sleep with them. Sounds pretty sleazy, huh?
The reason why The Game has sold millions of copies and why there’s a proliferation of dating advice for men is simple: a lot of guys struggle with confidence when it comes to dating.
Are some guys just trying to get some ass? Absolutely, but underneath the sleaze and the gimmicks, there are some important truths men have learned from the art of ‘pick-up.’
A lot of guys who turn to pick-up aren’t looking to sleep with a bunch of women. They just want to get a date, a girlfriend, even a wife. A lot of pick-up advice is just self-improvement in disguise.
They turn to pick-up because they don’t see a better alternative. Mainstream advice sucks and ignores dynamics that do exist between men and women. A guy struggling with women doesn’t want to keep hearing glib advice like ‘be yourself!’
And it’s not as if a guy is just going to come out in the open and admit he struggles with dating, so he’ll turn to something like a book he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s reading.
There’s room for dating advice that’s respectful of women and doesn’t shy away from certain truths about dating either. The headline? I knew you’d think it was strange coming from me and would click on it. Did it work? Forgive me. I promise you this post won’t be that.
Let’s give it a shot.
Don’t try to “be cool” and “act like you’re not interested,” by honestly expressing your interest in dating someone, you shortcut the “invsetment paradox” and demonstrate both interest and confidence at the same time. If a guy weren’t fearless about being rejected, he wouldn’t have the confidence to honestly express his attraction to a woman. This is “True Honesty.” – Mark Manson, Models
The sleazy pick-up version of the advice says that you need to be an asshole or a bad boy to get women to like you. It says you should play head games with them and use cheesy gimmicks like ‘negging’ to attract them.
Underneath those less than stellar pieces of advice is a core truth. To be more attractive to women, you need to be more confident and less needy. If you’re struggling with women, those are the only two things you need to work on.
This is where a lot of ‘nice guys‘ struggle. They think women aren’t attracted to them because they’re nice. Women aren’t attracted to them because they’re needy. They’re manipulative because they need something in exchange for their kindness.
So being non-needy has nothing to do with acting aloof or indifferent. It just means you don’t need anything to happen.
If you ask a woman out, you don’t need her to say yes. Why would you? Some women just aren’t going to like you, dude. You’re not using some line on a woman that you need to work. Instead, you’re just genuine and say what comes to mind.
Being non-needy is really about understanding that women don’t owe you anything — their attention, their time, and certainly their bodies. It’s all about having the attitude that you’re here to meet the women that are into you and you’re cool with the ones that aren’t. Simple.
Underneath the pick-up advice that you must be indifferent and only text women four hours after they’ve texted you is the truth that you just need to chill out.
A friend of mine was dating a girl and she broke it off because he was ‘too clingy.’ I was dating her friend at the time and she revealed a secret: my buddy had texted her four separate times, back to back no response, within the span of a few hours.
Remember, women don’t owe you anything. Don’t blow up her phone if she doesn’t respond in five seconds. If you ask her out and you play phone tag for a while without meeting up, don’t keep blowing up her phone. If she wants to see you, she will.
The point isn’t to purposefully ignore text or calls, it’s to actually have, you know, a life. It’s strange as if it seems like you’re just sitting there doing nothing but waiting for her to call you.
A lot of guys get it in their head that when they like a woman, they have to get her. Again, she’s not yours to get in the first place. They’ll get tunnel vision and need a certain woman to like them or need the relationship to work out if they start dating. They’ll come on way too strong way too fast.
It screams insecurity. Yes, if you meet someone you find attractive you want them to like you. But, if they don’t, then they just don’t. Why want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? Makes zero sense but a lot of guys do it. They will continue to circle back to a woman who clearly doesn’t want them. Pro tip: saying ‘hey’ 46 times in the DM’s won’t work.
If you’re with someone, work to make the relationship work, but realize that sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s okay. This is where the old adage comes in “there are plenty of fish in the sea.”
If you’re not in a committed relationship and you’re just getting out there it probably makes sense to go on dates with multiple women. Men and women alike, there’s nothing wrong with dating around until you find someone you want to connect with more deeply.
Really the underpinning of it all is that neediness from needing validation from women. It’s the idea that you need women to feel a certain way about you for you to feel good about yourself.
Neediness in general is the idea that something is somehow wrong with you if things don’t go your way. There are a lot of reasons why things might not work out with a woman that have nothing personally to do with you. If you’re not needy, you get that.
But a lot of guys out there are developing this strange ideology that women are somehow shaping their self-image. They’re not doing anything but living their lives. Trust me guys, it’s all simple as interacting with women without this glaringly obvious sense that you need them to like you.
Confidence is sexy. I think I can get a universal ‘yes’ in response from the women out there. So what does confidence mean when it comes to interacting with women?
A lot of guys get labeled creepy. This frustrates them. But, guys, you gotta think about it this way. What if a stranger came up to you with awkward body language, couldn’t look you in the eye, and asked you a bunch of random questions? You’d think they were creepy, too.
Or what if they left smiley-faced pictures underneath all of your photos on social media? Weird. Creepiness is a defense mechanism. Instead of just being confident, you do creepy shit to disqualify yourself so you don’t have to face real rejection.
Work on your confidence from these different angles.
Look, you have to have some level of social awareness here. Part of meeting women involves approaching ones you don’t know in public.
No one fully agrees on when and how you should do it, but you should probably avoid running down the street and approach a woman from behind who’s wearing headphones and the brim of her hat all the way pulled down.
I’ve never once approached a woman and had her seem genuinely upset that I came up and said hi. Just be normal.
Check for some eye contact first. If you meet eyes, walk up, smile, talk, get to know her, and don’t look like some awkward stranger. If you sense she’s comfortable talking to you, keep doing it. If not, politely exit stage left.
Pretty much covers it. Meeting women in the real world more often instead of swiping all the time will make you more confident talking to women.
Another way to become more confident is just to live a great life. Not just women, but people, in general, can tell whether or not you like yourself. A lot of guys are looking for some gimmicks to pick up women they should just focus on becoming better, more confident men.
Don’t be some weirdo who walks around the mall looking for women to approach. That’s fucking weird. Don’t try to be a pick-up artist. Do live a life you enjoy, build your own self-esteem for the sake of it, and meet women along the way.
Again, this is that non-needy thing. Women shouldn’t be the focus of your life.
Level up for the sake of it:
Next time you’re afraid to ask a woman out, keep this picture in mind.
She’s taking a shit. A big, gargantuan, liquidy, monstrous shit. The kind of shit where it splatters all against the back of the toilet. She’s grimacing. The taco bell from last night is literally rearing its ugly head.
What’s the point of this grotesque thought experiment? It’s to realize that women are normal human beings. It’s to take them off of a pedestal. Nobody wants to be pedestalized. It’s strange.
It’s strange because all of us know we’re not perfect, so when someone acts like we are, especially if they don’t know us, it’s offputting. You’re attracted to her, ok, but that doesn’t tell you whether or not she’s a good person.
So, underneath the surface, you’re communicating you don’t have standards for yourself if you’re so into this person you don’t even know just because she looks good.
I can see how a lot of women can look at something like dating advice for men and find it strange. And of course, you have negative examples from guys who are weird and sleazy pick-up artists who do literally walk around malls and approach every woman they see.
But I think it’s important to understand what it’s like from a guy’s perspective. A woman, if she really really felt like it, could go out and get a date in an instant. You’ve seen the data about the number of likes and matches women get on dating apps vs. men.
In general, women live in a much more abundant world when it comes to dating and it’s hard for them to imagine that someone could struggle to get a date, but a lot of men do.
Let me be clear: none of this is your responsibility whatsoever.
But it’s doing a disservice to the entire conversation about dating to cast off all men who are looking to gain some confidence as creeps or incels or whatever. I’ve seen some of these men — perfectly normal guys who could and should get a date if they just got out of their own heads and out of their own way. When I got out of a six-year relationship that shattered my confidence, I had a hard time getting back on the horse.
There’s a disconnect here and I plan on being one of the few people online who’s willing to be honest about what’s going on. I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts below.