Remember when you were a little kid and you used to dangle something out of the backseat window?
There was a certain thrill that came with holding the object close enough so that it didn’t fly into the wind, but also letting the grip be loose enough so there was the possibility it flew out the window. These days, I treat my life like these moments I had as a kid.
Sometimes, in life, gripping onto something, or someone, too hard, creates a bunch of unnecessary anxiety in your life. In general, trying to keep too close of a grip over a life you ultimately can’t control, can keep you too rigid.
A quality life comes from both openness and detachment. You’re open to having certain experiences, things, and people in your life. But, you need nothing.
The things you want don’t own you. You appreciate certain things and people, but you loosen up the grip just enough for the possibility of them to fly into the wind. You don’t own anyone, or anything, really. So stop trying.
Live the life you want to live without needing it to turn out exactly the want you want it to.
“True love is free of fear and characterized by non–attachment.” Dr David Hawkins
I once held a woman hostage. She escaped once, but I caught her. I set her free once, then I hunted her down again. Finally, she escaped for good. And both of us are in a much better place because of it.
I knew pretty early on in my relationship that we weren’t meant to be together, but I was attached. So was she. We developed an extremely co-dependent relationship — the break-up, makeup, break-up, and makeup again. None of us wanted to be in it, but we needed to be in it, ya know?
These days, I hold no one hostage when it comes to relationships. If we’re together, I want you to stay. But the minute I can sense you no longer want to be there, I won’t stand in your way.
I don’t believe in finding your “other half.” Two whole people can meet and the sum can become greater than the parts, but it’s never healthy to be in a position where need something to work.
This doesn’t mean you should become a commitment-phobe. It means stop holding onto shit when you know it’s not working. Deep down, we all know. We know when we’re not as into them as they are us and they’d be better off with someone else. We know when the situation is reversed.
We know when we’re clinging to someone to avoid being lonely. We know when we’re growing apart. We know when it’s worth working to fix and we know when it isn’t. Once you know it’s time to pull the trigger, pull it. It’s always better to do it sooner than later.
“You need to change your attitude towards money. Those who horde money never enjoy life. Savers live shit lives. And you only live once.” Andrew Tate
“You’re going to leave that much?!”
I get the same reaction when I’m out with friends or on a date. I leave big tips. I’m not trying to show off either. I used to deliver pizzas and I liked getting big tips, so I return the favor in kind. Also tipping generously helps me rid myself of my attachment to money.
I’ve seen several suggestions to re-wire your attachment to money:
Money tends to flow to people who take it less seriously. They work hard for money, yes, but they find creative ways to do it. Ways where they know it’ll keep coming to them instead of having to grind themselves to the bone for it.
Think about it, some people work really really hard, but their attachment to money keeps them from ever having it. They’re scared to lose it so they never take risks like investing or funding a business.
Money likes people an abundance mindset. The ones who see money as scarce never seem to have enough of it. You have to make a budget and it’s good to be wise with your money, but if you cling to it too tight, you create this weird frugal energy that will keep you stuck in a financial box.
“You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis.” – Chuck Palahniuk
So let’s say you start to have an abundant mindset with money and start making more of it. Don’t turn around and create a prison with that money from the things you spend it on.
Materialism is this weird trap we’re all caught up in. We all want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things. But it’s very easy for the things you own to end up owning you.
I used to live in a shitty rat-infested apartment. Now I live in a nice townhome. I used to drive a beater I bought from a car auction for $2,500. Now I drive a brand new car. I used to dress like a scrub and now I have a closet full of outfits. Yes, it’s nice. It’s objectively better to have a leveled-up situation.
But I try to remind myself that there isn’t a certain point where I can stop:
The hardest but most important financial skill is getting the goalpost to stop moving. – Morgan Housel
It’s nice to have nice things, but these things don’t matter either. They don’t make me a better person than anything else. They don’t really change the way I feel inside. Only I can do that. Enjoy nice things, but don’t use them to fill a void because that void is a black hole that will swallow everything you throw inside of it.
These days, I look at money mostly as a tool to give me the time and freedom to enjoy life. I walk around malls now and don’t really want anything. Money gives me peace. Let it give you peace. Fuck the Joneses.
“Becoming psychologically flexible is key to personal transformation, not over attaching to your current identity or perspectives. Becoming insatiably committed to a future purpose and embracing emotions rather than avoiding them is how radical change occurs.” – Benjamin Hardy
As cliche as it sounds, you can literally just wake up one day and decide you want to be someone else. Easier said than done, obviously, but you don’t owe your past self anything. You don’t have to cling to it just because you’ve lived a certain way for a long time.
Maybe you’re not shy. Just start talking to people.
Maybe you’re not the person who never finishes anything. Just find the right project.
Maybe you’re not weak. Start standing up for yourself.
People love to argue for their own limitations. I see it all the time. “But you don’t understand Ayo!” No, I do. You don’t. You’re too attached to yourself. You think you’re this person with this certain personality.
Your personality is formed by your DNA a bunch of chance experiences — variables that could’ve flipped an entirely different way. You can’t change your DNA, but you don’t have to let it define you. You can create a whole new set of experiences and variables that can turn you into somebody new.
But you have to let your old self go. I know it’s scary. I know it feels like death. It is death. If you kill your past self, you get to live many lives in one life. You’re allowed to pivot at any time and you’re never beholden to who you once were.
There’s one prison that keeps us from ever truly changing our lives. Our biggest attachment.
We’re too attached to the opinions of other people.
Your attachment to what others think keeps you from risking rejection and embarrassment. It makes you create a facade instead of being who you really are. Instead of moving through life freely, you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
How do you fix this? I’ll let you know when I’ve figured that out. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m always going to care what people think about me. I stopped waiting for that point where I’ll never care to do the things I want to do with my life.
It works that way with a lot of emotions. You try to repress them instead of just allowing yourself to feel them. If you’re anxious, be anxious. If you’re scared be scared. They are just feelings.
I’ve been rejected and embarrassed. It sucks, but the feeling fades quickly. I’ve rubbed people the wrong way by being myself, but that means they were never a good fit in the first place.
I care what you think about my writing, else I’d keep it all in a journal. But I’m not going to let a negative comment or two keep me from sharing my thoughts with the world. We’re just two people looking at a screen. No big deal. If you want to read, read. If not, don’t. The globe will keep on spinning.
It’ll keep spinning and all the while the people on it are moving so fast and are so preoccupied with themselves they don’t even care about what you’re doing anyway.